One of the people I most admire and love has a great habit: write every year her "Santa Claus Letter" (or three kings letter) in her blog. When the year is almost finished, she reviews it. I´ve never done that so this will be my first (and I hope not only) time. I cannot review what I was asking for last year but I still remember some of my dreams and hopes.
Last year I was trying to fix my life… personal and professional. As it is most difficult to sort out the professional one, I focus on the personal… with the risks it carries.
What was I doing last year in December? I was in Siemens Spain with an internship and also I was thinking about applying for a Master Course… I knew how the laboral situation was in Spain but as all my dreams (so the ones of some friends) had gone away I started to doubt about my decisions, myself… At the end I did the worst thing I could ever have done: instead of trying to fix myself, I focused on someone else. That was a huge mistake. First, fix yourself, and then you can go to try to find someone… who deserves you.
Where am I now? My Facebook says that I am in Leipzig. But it cannot say anything about how I’m feeling now. I am not going to talk about that here, only I can say I come to study because I didn´t want to be in Spain with more internships and I wanted to improve my career. I’m studying (or reading).
So, without more delay… this is my Santa Claus letter for next year
Worst “2010” feelings
1. - Lose my self-confident. Think that I do not deserve anything better, that all my decisions were wrong, and that I was bad at my job… Feel that I was a disaster and my completely life was a failure (and that maybe my parents were right when they asked me to do a scientific degree).
2. - Look how my friends were trying to fight too. Look how they were falling down. Know that I couldn´t help them. Try to help them and fail in my attempt.
3.- Suffer anxiety (and cry and cry) because everything was wrong, because my parents couldn´t understand my situation, how I was feeling.
4. - The moment I received the negative answer (or the “no but maybe”) of the master I was trying to study. That sensation (for the first time in my life) that I had no more “B plans” left, that I was fighting a year for nothing.
5. - Assume that life is not fair. Assume that people are not good. Assume that people can disappoint you.
6. - Try to achieve someone
love to feel better (or to try to fix a part of my life). Listen “I don´t love you” but go on, continue trying to get that simple three words, just to feel that one part of my life was correct ( I still think I didn´t love him too). Just trying to have someone to love and don´t even pretend to get the feeling back. Put all my efforts and my hopes in someone and know, not only he didn´t deserved them, but also that that was not the right thing (and that was a road without end). Not be strong enough to stop that relationship. That trip to Toledo and thodr nights I spend crying in his bed.
7. - Know that, despite all the work, my internship was unworthy, that I was going to stay at home again without any kind of job opportunity.
8. - When a friend called me (at work) to tell me where she had being the night before (and with whom). That moment, the feeling of stop believing in love
9.- My friends and family health problems.
Best 2010 moments
1. - Come back home after a great day and found an email. I got accepted in the master (at the end!).
2. – Realize I start to believe in me again; I start to “glue myself together”, to heal myself. Feel that everything has made me not only stronger but also a better person.
3.- Look how some of those friends are starting to find their ways: new jobs, new experiences and boyfriends, future weddings..
4. - Phone -crying and without being able to speak- to that friend (or those friends)… and get her support.
5.- The “Camino de Pelayo”. Those wonderful days out of Madrid, walking, singing and enjoying life with a great company and recovering part of my strength back to look for more “B plans”
6. - Make new friends: those “job fellows”, the ones from French classes, that boy from that English conversation at the Uni… and my new international friends from the Master. That moment, that day, when you just wake up and starts to feel that some peole are starting to be important to you; that moment when you realize they have stop being “people that you know” to start to become to be “friends”.
7.- The first snow in Leipzig. Go to the Uni and look through the window how the snow was falling. That color mixture between the green of the ground and the trees and the white of the snow. Feel the snow in my face.
8.- Find that I can be far away but my friends are still here whenever I need them so it seems as they are really close to me… and that I can always have coffee or a beer with them when I´m at home.
9.- Laugh in Berlin (and also some moments in Leipzig, Viena, Weimar, Poland…). Those moments where it seems that time has stopped and everything is just perfect.
10.- Realize I can fall in love, start to believe in it again but do not really worry about that. Realize that for first time I do not need a man next to me saying “I love you”.
Desires (and hopes) for 2011
1. - Stay alive. My family, my friends and me. At the end, it is the most important, just breathe.
2. - Go on being optimist and enjoying the life. Always trying to be a good and nice person
3.- Finish to heal myself
4.- Learn what Globalization is, thought it has now answer, but during that way, continue to know and meet really interesting and nice people (and I hope that, in the future, maybe not all of them but some will be real “friends”).
5.- If I decide to be in a relationship, do not lose myself. Do not be with someone that is not going to fight for me or that deserves me.
6.- Make my friends life easier, help them to achieve their dreams and stay there when they have to get over their fears and nightmares.
That´s all. It was really hard because this year was really painful, because telling our fears, our feelings and our hopes is being vulnerable but it was worth. Probably the order is not correct (and sometimes also the use of the language) so sorry for that. Also I want to remark that despite of all the awful things, it was a good year. I learned from bad situations and at the end, I think I’m more mature, better person and stronger.
Pd. Si alguien desde mi querido pais tiene problemas para entenderlo, que me lo diga.
