Last year, technical/software problems and the Christmas rush (plus laziness) avoid
me writing my Santa Claus letter. This year, I wanted to post this before leaving Berlin but I decide, it was better to do it after surviving the Maya's doomsday,
Worst feelings 2012
1.-The moment when I was told at the Dean's office that I was not going to be able to defend my thesis.
That moment when, my world really stopped and I was even unable to cry. How I felt (once again) that the world was not made for good people and for those who were fighting about something. How I laughed about karma. How I started to cry as I realized I spent the last months working hard on it to be able to be in Spain to attend a wedding and to hug Amaya. Yet, the feeling of "good things do not happen to good people". Feeling despair and realizing there was nothing else I could do.
2.-Coming back home and become aware that is not home anymore and that nothing is the same. But that everything is still the same.Understanding that two years abroad can be enough to break some friendships but that is not enough to solve the problems. Feeling that I do not want to be so far from my family but that I have to be. And that,my place is, currently, not in Spain.
3.- That feeling that there is something wrong inside me because I will always want what I cannot have and therefore, I will never be able to find a "perfect guy". And that, in the case I am more than " a nice girl", I cannot fall in love. And feeling powerless and stupid when he is around with his "maybe-yes-no" aptitude 'cos he knows I will still be nice with him.How he is able to turn my world upside down even at my own ground.
4.- Not being able to manage to be in Lucia's wedding and when Hector was born.
5.- The lack of stability. Going around once again. When a friend told me I was crazy to accept my internship in Berlin and leaving again for a ridiculous amount of money. Talking with friends and being the only one without any future plans (indeed, without any kind of future).
6.- Visiting Spain and realizing that, most of the people were not REALLY assuming the economic crisis. And knowing that this was only the beginning.
7.- Having an old friend visit and discovering that she was not as good friend as she should be. And, realizing that, life has made you a worst person because, you decided that next time she will try to visit you, the answer will be "no".
Best feelings 2012
1.- Finishing the thesis & being able to defend it on time to go back home for Lorena's wedding. Crying on the plane landing in Madrid, in "mi Madri" because I was back: my two years project was over, I succeed it and I had Amaya, my "sister", waiting for me to hug me. Hugging her and looking at her and see that she is happy.
2.- The happiness at my graduation party. That smile at my face, not because I was at that stupid ceremony but because I was there, with a friend from home and surrounding by most of my Master friends. The sense of joy of making that decision two years ago (and some other previous one). The peaceful of being close to the coast: to my own one.
3-. Meeting all my Master and home friends again (and making new ones. Seeing how "my home friends" are improving, enjoy a beer with them, laughing with them, meeting Vicky... In sum up: being able to be a small part of their life again. Most of them are surviving (and doing great well). Moving to Berlin and meet most of my master friends. That feeling (deep inside) that I am not walking alone and that, I am lucky as I am able to laugh around a beer or a vodka with a lot of amazing people.Meeting Ya Lin in Barcelona and showing her a part of me, of my culture. My amazing B-day gift from Doreen,
4.- Running again: The sense of being able to spend that time only for myself: for thinking, for relaxing and finding a bit of peaceful or just for enjoying the landscape. Or even to prove myself I can achieve my goals (and that everything comes with effort and hard work). And, getting the same feeling whenever I go biking in Berlin.
5.- FSFE: Being part of that community, having something to fight for with the feeling I am trying to help to change the world. And doing it with awesome people. The moment when the people at my office told me that they will miss my smile (and feeling sad because I am going to leave them: because I will not going to be able to say a "Hi Karsten!" almost everyday, to get a "chica guapa" from Erik as a hi, to get a cookie from Matthias or a huge hug from Leo. But once again, knowing that sadness is positive and good).
6.- Getting a job in Berin: that evening when I was talking with Doreen and Ya Lin and after it, I checked my emails and found that I got a job!. Finally, the sense of being able to get a bit of stability, of getting the results of all these previous hard work. And in a city I like and I can call "home".
7.- Good things happen to good people: feeling it for first time. And realice I am happy and that I want to smile and laugh and to share this happiness with everyone. And feel so so lucky even to be afraid of the future. But, still that fear is good as it makes me realice all I have (at least, all I got during 2012). And not only me: family and friends too.
Wishes/ Expectations for 2013
1- Go on being so lucky. Not only me but everyone around me -among them I have some names of friends that they do need a great 2013.
2.- Salud, dinero &amor: It might be time for the 3 of them. Money to be able to travel to visit friends, health because we always need it; and love because I think it is time for it.
3- Laughs and smiles: my deepthest wish is to continue having laughs and smiles in my daily life. They might not solve problems but at least, they help to do it. So, I will have my fingers cross to try to continue smiling and sharing a smile with everyone.
4.- Hope and a clear path for my friends: to all of them without a job (and of course, I hope they find a job), to my friends moving to start a new life (because they found a job, for love...). Hope to Doreen to find her way and place, hope to Elena to overcome all these last months problems.
5.- Que mi Amaya siga feliz, que siga poco a poco construyendo su casa junto a su marido y que pronto, podamos vernos.
6.- Visits: I want my friends and family to come to Berlin as it is my current (and let's hope for a long time) home. And it will also mean that they are healthy (I wish my oncle will come) and they have a job and money.
7.- Find time to continue having hobbies: to improve my German and my English (as they are also part of my, of my "new culture") but also to learn a new language. But also to improve my cooking, software and dancing skills. And to recover old knowledge (knit a scarf) and to get new skills (maybe, learn to sky?)
And, one last wish: go on having those small happy moments like coming back home and finding an email from Ziyun or a FB message from Remberto, a message from someone telling me he is in berlin, a whatsapp from Isa asking how I am. Or getting a smile from some stranger or just going for a walk because it is snowing.
