Carta a los Reyes 2014

This Carta is an annual todo.And it can be barely the same year after year but I still like this process of losing the fear of thinking about it and of making it publish. And because it gives me an excuse to stop 10 minutes and think, an excuse to sit in front of a computer and write... just normal feelings of a normal human being.

Worst feelings 2014
1. Watching my lovely awesome flatmate being heart broken. And not being able to do anything to stop her crying, unable to do anything else than giving her all my support, advice and love.

2 &;3. The tears caused due to "some parts" of my job, the feeling of incompetence. The fear of leaving it, not being brave enough to give it up.

4. That moment in Hamburg with my family when we were quarreling so much that I was about to take a bus back to Berlin. Because some feelings never change. And some things do not change.

5. The feeling of lack of time and being running from one place to another. Not being able to enjoy my friends as much as I want. The lack of a schedule to be able to get  hobbies (or at least, to enroll in a German course). And the feeling of being at home and do not know what to do because I am not used anymore to be home and read a book without any worries.

6.Drama

7.  The "I prefer to be with people who have studied science because they can understand my jokes". That sentence that someone close to me said.

Best feelings 2014

1.Realizing that I am not doing it so bad and starting to be a bit proud of myself (we can always be better):I am not so bad at my job, I managed to build a place I can call home and I became quiet independent. And  to say in my own way:, understanding that  "you cannot play with a Newspotter wearing high heels. 

2. After almost 30 years understanding that, not only none can fulfill the expectations people have on us but also that sometimes those ones are not real or contradictory

3. Feeling lucky due to my friendships:  because it is a real feeling. And hose friends here and there. I might not be the "significant other" of someone but I have really good people around me, for a laugh or a hug ( even virtual ones!), for telling them some news or for listening their news. And that is, for me, really important. So those little moments shared with a friend.  And knowing that one friend was finally healthy (and being able to enjoy her for several days). Or meeting, finally, some babies. 

4. That trip to Turkey, where I  was able to talk with people and hear their stories. Because those hours I was feeling that force that took me to choose this profession and took me back to the first days of university when  we all were full of that journalist dream. 

5.  My sweet flatmate. Because home became home thanks to her. 

6. Costa Rica. And planning a trip to India (finally!)

7.  Getting a spot for running Berlin Marathon in 2015. 

Wishes/ Expectations for 2015
(which is becoming harder and harder every year)

1 & 2. India (okay that one is easy), Amaya back in Berlin (for several days), my flatmate back home... and those weddings and babies (already made or about to be made). Basically being able to keep on having my number 3 of best feelings in the list (and not only for one more year). And visiting or talking with them more often.

3.To say in an easy way - working to follow some of my dreams or to take the path towards them (people do it and they are lucky so it might be the time to try): in the career level and in the private one.

4. Running Berlin Marathon - a challenge I chose to have so being able to run and finish it.

5. Going to visit my family at least once every 3  months

6. That project with Suki

7.Learning German (yes, finally)

Assessing my life 2014

Dear Facebook, I am sorry but you cannot choose the best moments of my year. That is one of my duties, when December comes. So once more, on December 25th, I am assessing my life. 2014 is the year of the planes, the year that came as fast as it is leaving that I didn't even realized it was time to write Christmas cards again. But it is also the year of the visits and the year of getting a place called home.

So, let's get down to business (Carta a los Reyes 2013)

1. Accomplished. And almost with capital letters:  my job is offering me lots of new challenges... in one way or another.  I did not manage to get as much time as I wanted to meet friends  (and that should be a to do for next year) but at least our guest room was quiet full. I managed to  learn how to use our equipment, to drive alone again, to climb the Alps with a tripod, go to the Turkish-Syrian border, to film some anarchists in Greece.. or even to run a zombie run with a gopro and a live U or to hold Live U for hours above me to get it work. And I am managing to deal with my boss...

2.  Finally close people around me are healthy (not everyone but most of them) so it was not a bad year. It can improve, of course but I have to consider it was a positive year. Because  the ones that are not 100 % heal, are becoming stronger. 

3. The trip to Costa Rica  was amazing. It not only make me disconnect (finally) but also I enjoyed every second in that awesome country: my routes alone, meeting Amaya's environment there and having the chance to know JP a bit better, the food, the Nature... even that moment when I was sunburned or when we had to walk really fast to avoid being trapped in a beach.

4.  Not as much as I wanted, but I managed to keep on running. The lack of a routine makes it hard but  I still enjoy it as much as the first day. Jogging in Tempelhof , through the canal, towards Treptower Park... so many routes and all of them different and interesting.

5.  The only one I did not manage to accomplish. And it is a pity as I really would have like to do it. I guess I had my mind in other things. So I did not collaborate with the FSFE during 2014 but that leaves me a new challenge for 2015.

To sum up, I succeed in most of my expectations for 2014. I guess I was not expecting a lot from this year more than stability and a bit of happiness and I was lucky because my life rhythm did not allow me to go through a lot of new challenges. Or basically because it was one of those year for discovering yourself.  But it was good because I kept on swimming and growing up.. and with friends.

Carta a los Reyes Magos 2013

And once more, it is time to write the Carta a los Reyes Magos. The main reason why I am writing so late this year is because it took me time to think about the worst feelings. Of course, there were bad moments during this year but still, it was hard to define them as really bad ones.  So I am going to short my letter to 5 events.
Maybe I am becoming more and more optimist or as who knows, it might be that I am looking at the bright side of life.

Worst feelings 2013
1. All those moments and days coming back home from work with the feeling that I didn't know what I was doing with my life. Night shift days and the feeling of having to prove every single second not only that I was able to do my tasks but others too... and  realizing there were lots of people who didn't have to do that.

2. Bad things come always together so those horrible days in June in which everything was bad and the feeling of crying but not being able to do it. So crying without tears. The uncertainty of  my father's disease.

3. The same drama when I go back home and the same feeling every year and although I know it is like that, the incapacity to avoid it, to do not suffer because of it.

4. Losing and missing him. And not being able to avoid it as it was a bad moment and I was not able to give the most of myself. The feeling, once everything was over , that I could have gave him so so many things... and I gave so little: only problems and drama. And being ashamed about everything.

5 The feeling or moment when I realized that I had no idea what I was doing with my everyday life: that I was in a dynamic where I was not  enjoying having hobbies or doing something with the exception of  working (although it is hard  to have hobbies working on shifts and I solved it - from July,  I started to do things again)

Best feelings 2012
1.Learning to be patient. And having patience and patience and patience. Because to reach the end of the road you have to walk a  little step everyday. And those little moments of  being able to prove myself and succeed in it.

2. Amaya in Berlin - hosting Amaya during the Berlinale. And being able to have a little piece of Costa Rica in Berlin. Being so so proud of her. Being able to see her after one year.

3. Finding a (quasi) perfect place and a wonderful flatmate who is always there, for good and bad moments. Finding stability (according to my meaning of it).

4.  Paris, Milan,  a wedding in Berlin, a coffee with a friend, meeting little new lives.. in Madrid, Berlin, Leipzig....Once more,  the feeling of having awesome friends. So to sum up, a lot of little moments with friends. And that feeling that I am not working alone.

5. And, because the best moments are sometimes related with the worst ones: meeting him and that moment I realized I wanted  it  to work out, even when it was too late for that.

Wishes/ Expectations for 2014

1.365 days full of achievements: new challenges at the office (and finally, to get the department I want), new trips and above all, meetings with old friends. I was able to get a guest room so my wish is to be able to have to prepare it for lots of visitors.

2. happiness, stability and health  for everyone I know - that means a baby for someone, a weeding for others, the end of a disease, finding a job.... And being able to be part of it (in presence or from the distance).

3. Costa Rica - enjoy the place where Amaya lives, enjoy some holidays surrounded by the sound of the nature. 

4. Keep on running. For 2014 I wanted to run Berlin's marathon but I was unlucky and I didn't get a spot. Anyways,  I want to continue jogging, as at the end, it is what I am. And also continue with football and Zumba.

5. Collaborate with the FSFE - I support it but this year a bit lack of time plus laziness avoid me to helping them as much as I wanted. In 2014 I want to have more commitment.

Assessing my live 2013

Here I am. Once again. After one more year of laughing, crying, learning, getting angry, making friends... so to say, after another lived year.
2013 is about to finish.  One year of some kind of stability, if I think in terms of job and living perspectives. The two words that described how last year ended was joy and expectations. I guess I cannot use those word for this year but I think I still can use happiness and hope. It might not be as good as the previous one but still good words. Indeed, I am writing this post from Kiev.

This was a quite intense year. I am starting to realize that it might be that my life is going to be like this. Though it is impossible to have that 100% perfect stability, I am getting used to get only up to 40%. But it is more than enough. So considering last year Carta a los Reyes

1. Accomplished! Being lucky is not only a question of faith but also of hard work. So I can say I managed to be really lucky as this year a learnt one of my most important lessons: that I would get things but never without fighting for them, because even if you get them, they might not be so good as you thought and you will fight to get them. And I have to be happy because my friends are quite lucky too. And it took me so so long but at the end, I was lucky to get a place I can really call home. And that really was a stroke of luck

2. After several years without money, I managed to reach that comfortable position that makes you worry about it as I cannot quit my job but also to live quite good (according to some standards) without having to care about it so much. Of course, it was not so easy and it is still not as good as it should be but, as I am happy I (finally) reached that position.  and what I can say! I even own a washing machine.

Once again, I spent another year without being sick (fingers crossed) but I cannot say the same for some friends and relatives. But, after some months of fight and suffering, I am more than happy to say that everyone I loved was able to get through their diseases. A really close relative died this year but I was able to visit her about a month before it and I was expecting it. that is the cycle of the life. I keep her close to my heart and try to be the person she wanted me to become. And love... ejem, it is another chapter xD

3.More than accomplished! Not always but I had more than I thought at the beginning of the year. With old and new friends, with acquaintances, with colleagues... And since last September, with my awesome flatmate, that one who is at home always with a smile.

4. At the same time I am getting my stability, I am realizing that so do my friends. Some of the ones who were a bit lost during last year are getting a clearer path, some of them still need to find a new one to walk to. But they are doing great. And I am really happy to be able to see it .

5.after reading her "assessing my live", I have no doubts - ACCOMPLISHED!

6. I have the feeling that I live in the center of the universe. I am getting a lot of visits and even my working schedule is not really helping to be able to manage some of them, to get even more... the year was great in that sense. And it seems that it is going to continue during 2014!. Just in case, I am keeping a guest room.

7. After several months of lazy overwintering, I started to work to accomplished this wish. I went to German classes again (though my German might have not improved), I went to Zumba... I might haven't found a lot of new hobbies but my cooking might have improved. Yet, I need to focus in some hobbies such us free software and knitting. And I recovered the hobby of walking.

So, the year 2013 started with really high expectations that were flizzing out but luckily not so so much (And not all of them). Another good year with some great achievements but not as much as I would like to but for the moment, with a lot of stability. That is good so it leaves 2014 quite open to go on swimmnig.

La posible alternativa

El pasado domingo, Alemania celebraba el Bundestagwahl, es decir, las elecciones generales al congreso para elegir nuevos diputados y nuevo Canciller. Y aunque los que me conocéis sabéis mi fobia a estar a menos de 100 metros a un político, decidí aprovechar esta ocasión para curiosear si al final todos los políticos son parte de la misma fauna. Total, aquí tengo la excusa de la lengua para hacerme la tonta.

    En un principio pensaba pasarme por la sede de la CDU (Christlich Demokratische Union), vamos a ver que se cocía en el cotarro de Merkel, al final acabe siguiendo el proceso electoral en un céntrico hotel berlinés, que se convirtió durante esa jornada en el headquarters del imberbe Alternative fuer Deutschland, el AfD, un partido político fundado hace poco más de un año y que luchaba por lograr el ansiado 5% necesario para poder formar parte del Bundestag. 

    Aunque se quedaron con la miel en los labios al quedarse en el 4,8% y tendrán que esperar otros cuatro años para volver a intentarlo, resulta esperanzador saber que este partido logro, en unos pocos meses, convencer a casi tres millones de alemanes. Recordemos que, aunque sea un estereotipo, los alemanes son bastante tradicionales y reacios a cambios (y quien crea lo contrario que se fije en la campana política de Merkel que se ha basado en ello)

    Dejando a un lado el análisis de las ideas políticas de los seguidores de la AfD (euroescépticos liberales de derechas con pinta de licenciado del ICADE), ya que  en este caso no tiene importancia, mi principal conclusión de la noche estaba dedicada a la situación política de mi país. Las comparaciones son odiosas, lo se.

    Llama la atención que mientras que en España, los ciudadanos han salido a la calle con bastante asiduidad a mostrar su descontento con el actual gobierno y, en general, con la situación política; este descontento no se ha visto reflejado en las urnas. De hecho, no fue hasta hace unos meses cuando algunos integrantes del movimiento de 15M empezaron a plantearse la posibilidad de fundar un nuevo partido político (y solo se lo han planteado tras el éxito del partido del Movimiento Cinco Estrellas), totalmente lo contrario a lo que hicieron sus compatriotas alemanes que fundaron un partido político en plena crisis económica y siendo conscientes de la dificultad de superar los 3 millones de votantes. Durante la víspera del domingo, los principales líderes del partido agradecieron a sus seguidores el apoyo y, aunque al final de la noche reinaba un ambiente de tristeza en una sala que tras conocer los primeros recuentos se había ido vaciando, aceptaron el resultado con ganas de seguir intentándolo, agradeciendo el arduo trabajo de los meses anteriores y sobre todo, remarcando que su idea de la posibilidad de acabar con el sistema bipartidista alemán era posible.

    Esa específica y definida idea, el hecho de ser capaz de dar una opción, de luchar por unos ideales, fue la conclusión que saque de esa jornada que en apariencia no difería de la que se podría dar en cualquier sede de un partido español. Sin embargo, esa esencia que flotaba en el aire, el perfume de luchar para ganar (por supuesto) pero sobre todo porque creían en el cambio, fue la que se me quedo impregnada. Ojala mis políticos, mis ciudadanos sean capaces de llegar a la misma conclusión. Está claro que la meta, el fin, es la victoria pero esta nunca se alcanzara si uno no se da cuenta que para ello hay que recorrer un camino.

Reflexiones bostonianas

No recuerdo cuando descubrí que me gustaba correr. Pero si ue recuerdo mi primer cross escolar, la carrera popular del pueblo de al lado, las tardes en las pistas de atletismo de mi barrio... Porque, a pesar de las quejas de mi madre, mi vida ha estado bastante ligada a unas deportivas.

 Quizas por eso,  he tardado tanto en asimilar la la noticia sobre el atentado en el maratón de Bostón. Porque comprendo las sensaciones que provoca correr;  porque entiendo  la emoción de saber de que  cada metro, cada vez que detienes el crono en un segundo menos, es una superación personal; porque he sentido como, con cada zancada que daba me iba fundiendo en la naturaleza que me rodeaba; porque he sentido esa sencación de que lo único que uno depende es de sus propias piernas... 

Correr un maratón es una de las pruebas deportivas más duras que existen: para cualquier amateur significa  que, como mínimo va a pasar tres horas corriendo para superar esos 42 kilómetros. Quien no esté acostumbrado a correr quizá no entienda la dificultad que esto conlleva: es un reto no sólo físico sino también mental. No sólo dependes de la fuerza de tus piernas pero también de tu lucha mental.  Correr una maratón es un contaste diálogo con tu mente para seguir, para no parar y ceder al cansancio y al dolor.

Pero además, es una de esas pocas actividades deportivas que no están ligadas a la política. Quizá sea por el hecho de que, por mucho que corras con amigos, dependes de ti mismo para avanzar paso a paso. Así que, ¿cómo es posible que alguien sea capaz de poner unas bombas para que estallen en la meta de una maratón, donde esperan cientos de personas la llegada de familiares y amigos; de esos corredores que han pasado las últimas cuatro horas luchando contra ellos mismos?

Quizá, sea por eso, porque era una actividad que pasaba desapercibida, sin ningún tinte político y en el que no importaba de donde vinieses ni tu pasado ni tu futuro. Porque cuando uno corre se ¨hermana¨ durante unos minutos con esa persona que comparte unos metros a tu lado, simplemente por el mero hecho de que estáis avanzando juntos.

No creo que ninguno de los sospechosos hubiese tenido la oportunidad de disfrutar esta actividad tan sencilla que es correr. Y por eso, puedo llegar a entender porqué se decantaron por atentar en esta prueba, que para ellos representaba un símbolo de aquella sociedad que les había abierto sus puertas pero sólo para ponerles otro muro a los pocos metros. De este mundo en el que  nos fanfarroneamos de ser globales y abiertos mientras que, a nivel local, aumentamos nuestras diferencias y ponemos trabas a aquel que no es como nosotros.

Sin embargo, a la vez que ha sido nuestra sociedad la culpable de estas radicalizaciones, de esas crisis de identidad, de ese rechazo a lo diferente; es también la que se ha dado cuenta del problema. No nuestros políticos, sino cada uno de nosotros: las reacciones de los vecinos ante la catástrofe, el aumento de inscripciones de corredores en próximos maratones.. Porque en este caso, no se atentó contra un símbolo capitalista y político, si no contra una actividad universal tan individual como social.

Y yo por mi parte, seguiré como hasta ahora: calzandome unas deportivas y sonriendo a otros que como yo,  disfrutan del mero hecho de ser capaces de depender de sus propios pasos. Y por supuesto, con cada paso recordaré a aquellos que ya no podrán hacerlo.

Eliminando expectativas, creando identidades

Tener un buen trabajo, el matrimonio perfecto y un hijo antes de los 30.

¡Cuántas personas habrán dicho esta frase -o alguna simliar- en las últimas décadas! Es más, reconozco que, hubo un momento de mi vida en la que yo también pensaba y argumentaba en este modo de vida que, nuestra sociedad, nuestros padres y amigos nos imponían.

Por ejemplo, recuerdo como hace una decada,  argumentaba que antes de echarme novio me iba a ir fuera de España a estudiar un master.  Yo, siempre tan práctica era consciente que eso de estudiar en un pais y tener el novio en otro lugar, no era muy aconsejable (y menos cuando no existia FB, Whatsapp ni Skype) ¡Si es que yo tengo que tener genes teutones, que a pragmátcia no me gana nadie!

Por supuesto luego venia el Happy Ending: encontrar el trabajo perfecto, enamorarme y criar uno (o dos hijos). Vamos, lo que todo el mundo espera de ti, ¿no?

Si bien, no me parece nada mal este modo de vida (en el fondo es lo que todos buscamos con alguna que otra variación), el problema viene cuando estas expectativas o no se cumplen o descubrimos que no nos hacen felices.  Que la vida no es una película de Disney.

A lo largo de nuestras vidas, muchas veces nos dejamos guiar por lo que nos dicen, buscamos recorrer ese camino que nos han marcado como correcto olvidando que no existe sólo un sendero y que lo único que nos impide ser felices es nosotros mismos. ¿Es que acaso estudiar medicina, si lo que a ti te gusta es la historia te va a hacer más feliz? ¿Acaso tener una ingeniería te garantiza unas condiciones de vida mejores? Es más, ¿que significa tener unas condiciones de vida mejores? Y ¿por qué siempre que una mujer se aparta del camino establecido y decide, o bien no tener hijos o ser madre soltera recibe multitud de criticas? ¿Resulta que la hormona de la felicidad se encuentra en tener un cuerpo 10? ¿Por qué tiene que decidir nuestra sociedad cuál es la mejor opcion para nosotros, que es lo que nos tiene que hacer felices? Al igual que existen personas que encuentran a la pareja perfecta a los quince años,  existen otras personas que hayan varias durante su camino, o que simplemente deciden que son felices solos. Igualmente, con el trabajo.

No estoy diciendo que estas expectativas sean erróneas; las considero de lo mas normales.  Si no que, cada individuo, cada humano debe construir nuestra propia identidad, coincida o no con estas expectativas y sobre todo, a su ritmo. Asi, no iremos avanzando en un camino hacia la felicidad sino que iremos teniendo pequeños momentos de felicidad a lo largo de nuestro camino. Y nos evitaremos muchas depresiones.Y esas famosas crisis de los 30, de los 50....

Deberiamos dejar de creer en el cuento esde de "y vivieron felicies para siempre". No existe un camino que acabe con un letro de neon que diga: Welcomo to la tierra de la felicidad. Ésta se encuentra en cada uno de nuestros pasos.

Sólo la conseguiremos si somos nosotros, y no nuestra sociedad, los que creemos nuestra propia identidad. Y, además, afortunadamente, nuestra identidad va cambiando y gestándose con los años. ¿O acaso tenemos los mismos gustos con treinta años que con siete?